Trust

To trust just one person in your life like this.  What a gift that would be.

Reprieve

Lovely Mother's Day present.

Mom is home again from the hospital.

20 pounds lighter.  Able to walk easily and converse without getting winded.  In good spirits.

And minus 2.8 gallons of excess fluid.

The family is transmogrifying into bullies.   We give no quarter.

I have no memories of her parents, my grandma and grandpa.  Grandma was 51 when she died (of "toxic hypertension") and Grandpa had a stroke and died six months later at 58.   Nobody - especially my mom - expected her to live to 83 and beyond.

We're kind of selfish about her.  Like, we will do what it takes to keep her around as long as possible.  Horrible tortures like kale and smoothies and foods made with things like cumin and turmeric instead of salt.

And we are bullies about her taking her diuretics.  Unbelievably, she tried to weasel out of taking one just three hours after getting home this afternoon.

This might not be pretty.

Mom's in the Hospital

She's been in heart failure for a couple of years.

Now the fluid build up is drowning her.  They seem optimistic that a couple of days of diuretic therapy will empty all that out.

I choose to be hopeful.

I took her to Disneyland Saturday.  It was a rough day for her in some ways, joyful in others.  We heard that the suits were in from Orlando and EVERY entertainer was at the top of their form.  After we had seen everyone (she even wanted to stay for multiple piano sets at the Coke Corner, and she doesn't particularly like that piano player) I asked if she was ready to go home and she said no.  So we wandered the Emporium for a long time - aimlessly.  I couldn't figure out why she was stalling our leaving.

Until the next day.

I think she was seeing it as our last visit.

Ever.

So, I choose to be hopeful.

We have a 60th anniversary to celebrate.

Marshall Davis Jones

This fits my mood.

I will pour these words
into a mason jar built of the shatterproof and the breakable
An hour glass with the sand of infinity and time quickly running out
I will pour my heart here ...
Until I can leave it on the shelf
Forget about it for years

Then one day
My great grandchildren
Can search the attic
Rummage through nostalgia
And old things

That were once new

Stumble upon this jar
And when they ask

What is this?
No one will know
But somehow they will

They will feel

That this is where
My love went

When I knew for sure
It could never belong to you

 

 

Things are actually going pretty OK.  Still some financial mysteries to solve, issues that come to smack me from behind and make me fearful to check my email and phone messages.  Still not sure exactly where I'm going to find $12,000 to pay off the equity line that I did not know my husband had spent and is now due June 15.  At worst it will be just another maxed out credit card until I can sell the Utah property, so it's not a disaster.

 

But I crave the calm of a stable income/outgo.

 

So I can forget about it.  And focus on the best of my life.

 

Weary.  And lonesome.

 

And in a mood.

 

Don't know where it came from, really.

 

My uncle and aunt came to visit my mom and I rearranged my day to spend time with them. They were so supportive through my trials this time last spring.  We went to my favorite restaurant for lunch and had a lovely time.  It cheered Mom to spend some time with her brother and his wife.  We have a Disneyland trip planned for next week.  I'm hopeful it works out because I know it will cheer her, too.

 

Afterward I drove to Fillmore for the Otto & Sons Rose Days and spent some quality time wandering through their 22 acres of roses.  Three of them begged to come home with me and I'm such a pushover.  Anna's Promise, Tuscan Sun and - YES - another Disneyland.

 

I've been lusting over a large ceramic pot with a gorgeous green glaze at Costco for the last month or so.  I've decided to buy it and plant one of these Disneyland roses in in.  It will sit next to my front door with the gardenia "First Love" (and her heavenly fragrance) and my blued-up hydrangea.  The colors should set each other off and be stunning.

 

Something to look forward to.

 

I've decided not to have knee replacement surgery this summer.  The orthopedist said summer 2016 at the latest so I was thinking of getting it out of the way this year.  The problem with my knee is that the cartilage is much thinner on the outside of the joint than the inside, so the joint tilts to the outside.  To stay attached, the femur is bending.  Both knees have arthritis (as does my spine) and will need replacement, but if I don't have the left done before the femur bends too far, the surgeon won't be able to hammer the rod in.  In the meantime, my dog greeted me too enthusiastically fall of 2013 and gifted me with a torn meniscus.  I haven't had that surgery because I figured the knee replacement would take care of that problem, and had decided to have the surgery this summer.

 

But I just can't.  I've been through too much this year and am pretty desperately in need of a break.  So, I will hobble around this summer and take care of my soul.    Time in my garden or at the sewing machine or with a piece of stitchery in my hand (although it's slow going with my eye not right enough for close work like that.)  I need to spend time with all three books in progress or at least settle into one.  I need trips to wonderful places like the Getty or the Echo Park lotus pond or El Descanso Gardens.  Even just a trip to Corona del Mar and Roger's Gardens with lunch at Andrew Weil's healthy food restaurant.  Time on the beach and near the beach and on the sea.

 

Feathers.  I need the feathers of sea birds and flat stones and maybe I'll find my first piece of sea glass.

 

The sea calls.  I had the most wonderful experience on my first whale watch out of Santa Barbara.

 

 

Just a splendid day.

 

A mama and her calf spent an hour pretty much circling our boat.  I managed to catch them blowing at the same time.

 

 

The whales were a bonus.  It was just an incredible day.  Perfect weather, perfect people and the beauty of the sea and the sky.  I have to find out what other kinds of cruises they do and get out there again, even though the whale watch season is over.  I think they said they do a sunset cruise in the summer, and wouldn't that be spectacular?

 

Also had a great trip over Spring Break to Utah.  My sassy red car loved hustling up the 15 at 80 mph.

 

Right beside my balcony.   This fellow had a beautiful song to greet me every morning.

Sunrise on the mountain.  Fireplace and chocolate.  Perfect way to greet my day.

Clouds never disappoint.

Still enough snow to be beautiful.  Temps were brisk and the wind could be downright cold.
 

I hope to get back up for at least one longer visit this summer.  The condo needs a good cleaning and I need a long summer escape.

 

So tired.

 

I need time.  Time alone to figure myself out.  If I could figure out what I want, I could go for it.  Or at least go for what I can.

 

I think it's time for that hot air balloon ride.  Maybe facing that fear will break something free.

New Car Smell

Yep.  I did it.

I drove Explorers  for nearly twenty years and grieved when the last one died 2.5  years ago.   I only live a mile from where I work so I could walk and, although awkward, was able to borrow my husband's Focus on days I needed a car.

What an uncomfortable thing, having to negotiate with my future ex-husband for use of HIS car because I had no money for one of my own.  I had to have new tires put on.  He did very little maintenance on it and by the time my car died (in spite of the very expensive transmission maintenance I'd kept up on, the transmission went bad) his tires were bare.  And it had developed a small but continual leak of something.  My mechanic THINKS it's oil but doesn't know where it's coming from.  Which means $$$ to go hunt it down.

Frankly, I didn't think it worth it.

I make the last payment on the Focus next month and decided this was one dream that I was going to make come true.

I've never lusted over a car before.  But two years ago I walked around the corner at Costco and saw this car smiling at me.  My heart skipped a beat.  I smiled.  I tell people that this was the first car that ever called to my soul. I didn't even know what brand it was but it said "CX5" on the back so I went home and looked it up online.  Mazda.

Two years.   I'd see them on the road and say,  "There's my car."  A few weeks ago, as I was leaving my attorney's office, I got into the Focus and realized I was parked next to a white CX5.  The next day I was getting into my car after a staff development day and next to me was a black one driven by a colleague from another campus.  I decided to listen to the message.

It took only a couple of days to get a loan from my credit union, and the payment is only $15 out of my very conservative comfort zone.

Best news?  I've raised my Fico score by 122 points since September, high enough to get a five-year for 2.99% interest.  The young man who had taken me on a tour of the car a year ago (when he was brand new to the dealership) was still there and expedited the process.  I was able to get the next highest model (Touring instead of Sport ) for still less than my approved loan.  I thought I would be picking the car up after I brought them a check, but they handed out keys and hugs and sent me off to pick up the check within a couple of days.

Totally in love with the guys at CJ Wilson Mazda in Ventura, CA.  They made the experience a party rather than a hassle.

And, yes, it's red.  Remember I said that I'd never had a car call to my soul like this one?  I looked forward to having this red car for two years.  But it wasn't until two weeks ago that I looked up the model to find out the name of the color (wanted to make it right).

Soul Red.

My last car was beige.

But the girl I intend to be will drive a red car.

Soul Red.

Bummed.

Drowning my sorrows.

My opiate of choice is sugar. 

I'm actually thrilled that I never developed a tolerance for the bubbles in soda, that coffee (delicious as it smells) tastes like someone ran hot water through my fireplace ashes and that I experienced too many gatherings ruined by mean drunks to have the slightest interest in alcohol.  Except for a few minor side effects (painful inflammation of already sensitive joints,  serious depression, extreme fatigue and immediate, noticeable weight gain) sugar doesn't bother me.

When it is buried inside a generous portion of chocolate in ANY form,  I hardly notice it at all.

 

 

It was mostly an OK week with some outstanding parts.

 

Monday the vast majority of my students did exactly what they were supposed to do - write - and I was able to catch up on paperwork.  My desk stayed clear for the three days they wrote.  Thursday's lesson went well.  Friday was Genius Hour and I helped them link their blogs to my classroom blog, then left them to work on their projects.  Again, the vast majority did exactly what they were supposed to.  School was not an issue all week.

 

It was the AFTER school adventures that provided the contrast.

 

Not Monday.  Monday was outstanding.Monday I drove up to Santa Barbara to see my optician. It is time for new glasses.  Earlier this month my retinal surgeon announced that my retina is completely re-attached.  I need to make him cookies or something.  My vision is not good as new, but to have as much as I do is phenomenal.  My last couple of pair of glasses I ordered online, but because these will be - well - kind of funky I wanted to work one-on-one with pros and my ophthalmologist and optician in Santa Barbara (who I've been with for almost thirty-five years) are the best.  Short version:  I will need a pair of rather bizarre glasses for at least six months.  My right eye (surgery) is much more nearsighted now than the left.  I can already verify that the two eyes don't work together (which makes reading hard, which makes teaching hard) and the doctor says correcting the vision so they match better will make that coordination more difficult, so he ordered a special grinding process that would help with that. Can't wait to see what they look like or how weird they will make my eyes look.   Then, in six months he will look again (just after the surgeon looks again) and if I'm ready, he will replace my right lens (which has had a cataract developing for twelve years already) with one that will "fix" everything else.  I will still have the wavy lines issues, but my brain will take care of that eventually.  I've already noticed that I don't notice it very much, so am not concerned.

 

Absolutely gorgeous afternoon. The ride up was fantastic.  The ride home was glorious.  Ocean to my right and a bank of fluffy white clouds perched on the mountains on my left that turned progressively pinker and pinker in the sunset.  Listened to beautiful music and thought optimistic thoughts all the way home.  Simply doesn't get any better.

 

Wednesday was my appointment with the tax accountant.  It is always fun to visit with this character while he crunches numbers.  I had most of what he needed, so it was a simple process until he announced that I owed another $1900 on the federal and $1600 on the state.  I almost fainted, then pulled myself together and mumbled that I had a couple of paychecks between now and April 15 so should be able to make it.  We started talking about something else and I was explaining about all the unpaid bills my husband left me with including $1500 on our Utah HOA and how I had had to hold off on that one in order to prepay the 2014 taxes ($3400) in January.  He got all hold the phone on me, leaned across the table and said, "Wait a minute.  Did you pay those?"  I reminded him that he had sent me a coupon and so I had paid it, he smiled and said that my husband had always ignored them and so he didn't even think to ask me.  After a happy little keyboard dance he announced the new totals.  I would receive, in his words, a whopping $29 refund for the federal and owed less than $400 on the state.

 

Breathing is fun.

 

He still has to calculate a new number for withholding for me (which might be scary) but I've put that on the Universe's list of things to do.  One step at a time.

 

March is the month I've been looking forward to since September, the month when most of the past-dues (mostly huge totals) would be paid and I could finally see what my income was going to be and get caught up on my summer savings.  I've been offered an auto loan by my credit union and plan to buy the car I've been lusting over for two years, then drive it at the end of the month to Utah - first visit in over five years - for spring break.

 

So I was particularly unhappy when I got a call from the bank to which I've been writing checks for an equity line - $12,000 - that my husband had spent out.

 

And had not told me about.

 

The very nice bank lady shared a bit of news he also had not shared with me.

 

The complete payoff is due April 30.

 

Yeah, I had a problem with that.  After a few hours and a good night's sleep I was OK.  Hopeful, maybe even optimistic.  The nice bank lady suggested I could re-apply for the line and implied that I may want to consider a refi on the house.  Which I had already been thinking of because I didn't like having that equity line hanging out there.  There's a solution.  It's just going to take time, and eat up my afternoons for a while, talking to banks and credit union to find the right solution.

So I took great cheer in my anticipation of a whale watch trip scheduled for today.

When my son got home, he let his friends know that he was ready to "Say YES to any adventure."  An attitude this boring middle school teacher former housewife is trying to embrace.  So when this opportunity came up, I gave myself an enthusiastic "YES!"  I have a friend who used to work in Washington State with Orcas and she had suggested we do a whale watch this season, so I forwarded the information to her and she grabbed the discounted trip.

Yesterday she did some prep homework and broke the bad news.  Storm moving in and her contact at NOAA said they expected 4-8 foot waves.

Cancelled.

I was really disappointed.

And my son noticed.  He had rehearsals in Santa Barbara today for a performance tonight, but took a moment from his day to text me.  "Do something happy for yourself today, Mom.  Be the water."

And so I took his great advice.  I was planning a Trader Joe's trip anyway - we needed milk, eggs and dog food - so I decided to go to the store in the next town over instead of ours.

Where there's a JoAnn's.

I took the back route through 12 miles of orange and lemon and avocado orchards.  Over Norwegian Grade with hillsides covered in yellow mustard and blue lupine.  Under a bright blue sky hung with white fluffy clouds.  Beautiful music blasting.

I found a great parking place in the crowded parking lot and treated myself to a leisurely stroll through the uncrowded store (they all must have been in the breakfast place.)  The spring Susan Winget fabric is in.  And now I have some.  And some of her beautiful boxes and some scrapbook embellishments.  The latest copy of Daphne's Diary from the UK, and a tiny gnome for a fairy garden pot I want to put together and a spool of delicious pink crochet thread so that I can make a little heart-shaped sachet I've been drooling over.  Everything on sale, on budget.

At Trader Joe's I managed to get everything I needed and added their Flourless Chocolate Cake (mostly chocolate and eggs, rather like a dry mousse) and some of their decadent chocolate, turbinado sugar and sea salt covered almonds.  And a handful of their traditional tribute to spring daffodil buds.

Four dozen of them.

Mostly restored, I came home and have spent a lazy day here and on facebook.  I'm getting ready to pull together all the Trader Joe's stuff into a pot of short ribs ala Lemonade (I LOVE that cookbook; turns this terrible cook into an icon) for tomorrow's dinner.  The storm that chased us off the whale boat is blowing in (glad we made that decision and MAY get to go next weekend after all) so I'm tucked in with my snoring dog (who also is back from Tennessee) for a quiet evening.

Next Saturday I meet friends at Disneyland Resort for the annual Visions Fantastic Scavenger Hunt.  A couple of weekends later I'll return to Disneyland with my mother for her birthday trip (83!).  I'll start making the rounds to solve my equity line issue and get my car loan and MAYBE have a new car for the Disneyland trip.  If my new glasses (ordered Thursday) are ready by Friday I might even be able to stay after dark.

Everything always works out.

All is well with me. After all.

Why do you wait...

... when there is so much to be gained?

Lovely.

My favorite quote ever.  It's been in my sidebar for years, but look at this treatment.

A friend recited it to my summer writing class from memory a few years ago.  Which was appropriate, as she got it from Farenheit 451.  I looked it up and found it credited to James Boswell, a Scots author (I'm part Scot) from 1777.  This artist gives credit to Samuel Johnson, so the search is on.  I've learned that Boswell was a fan and eventually a friend of Johnson and wrote several pieces in his honor including a biography.  I've ordered the first piece that may include this passage in hopes of finding the correct attribution.  Whichever man wrote it, it's an especially lovely quote.

I am so very lucky in my friendships.  Some have passed through, some have passed through and returned (always a thrill and delight).  For the most part my friends inspire me to live in joy and are a comfort when I am not quite there.

Which is less and less often.

Much going on here.  My younger son is returning from his adventure in Nashville.  His lessons are huge.  First, he will not again stoop to performance for the sake of performance.  He found the "music" he was required to duplicate unacceptable as music. Mostly, though, I think he learned that the magic he has always been able to make with music has more to do with the people he has played with than the music itself.

I am SO looking forward to attending his performances again in the near future.

He should be home Saturday.   I am excited to have him (and my puppy) back, at least for a while.  This man was raised in a home where tension overlay every day.  It's going to be a treat to get acquainted without that stress.

My Theme Song

Because I feel like this.

Just thinking this yesterday.

It's like the pieces of the puzzle of my life are scattered, covering the surface of a table. And like working a jigsaw puzzle, it took a long time to match the first pieces, but the further I progress, the faster it goes. Difference is, there's no picture to fall back on when I get stuck.

And no clue what the finished product will look like when it's done.