Bummed.

Drowning my sorrows.

My opiate of choice is sugar. 

I'm actually thrilled that I never developed a tolerance for the bubbles in soda, that coffee (delicious as it smells) tastes like someone ran hot water through my fireplace ashes and that I experienced too many gatherings ruined by mean drunks to have the slightest interest in alcohol.  Except for a few minor side effects (painful inflammation of already sensitive joints,  serious depression, extreme fatigue and immediate, noticeable weight gain) sugar doesn't bother me.

When it is buried inside a generous portion of chocolate in ANY form,  I hardly notice it at all.

 

 

It was mostly an OK week with some outstanding parts.

 

Monday the vast majority of my students did exactly what they were supposed to do - write - and I was able to catch up on paperwork.  My desk stayed clear for the three days they wrote.  Thursday's lesson went well.  Friday was Genius Hour and I helped them link their blogs to my classroom blog, then left them to work on their projects.  Again, the vast majority did exactly what they were supposed to.  School was not an issue all week.

 

It was the AFTER school adventures that provided the contrast.

 

Not Monday.  Monday was outstanding.Monday I drove up to Santa Barbara to see my optician. It is time for new glasses.  Earlier this month my retinal surgeon announced that my retina is completely re-attached.  I need to make him cookies or something.  My vision is not good as new, but to have as much as I do is phenomenal.  My last couple of pair of glasses I ordered online, but because these will be - well - kind of funky I wanted to work one-on-one with pros and my ophthalmologist and optician in Santa Barbara (who I've been with for almost thirty-five years) are the best.  Short version:  I will need a pair of rather bizarre glasses for at least six months.  My right eye (surgery) is much more nearsighted now than the left.  I can already verify that the two eyes don't work together (which makes reading hard, which makes teaching hard) and the doctor says correcting the vision so they match better will make that coordination more difficult, so he ordered a special grinding process that would help with that. Can't wait to see what they look like or how weird they will make my eyes look.   Then, in six months he will look again (just after the surgeon looks again) and if I'm ready, he will replace my right lens (which has had a cataract developing for twelve years already) with one that will "fix" everything else.  I will still have the wavy lines issues, but my brain will take care of that eventually.  I've already noticed that I don't notice it very much, so am not concerned.

 

Absolutely gorgeous afternoon. The ride up was fantastic.  The ride home was glorious.  Ocean to my right and a bank of fluffy white clouds perched on the mountains on my left that turned progressively pinker and pinker in the sunset.  Listened to beautiful music and thought optimistic thoughts all the way home.  Simply doesn't get any better.

 

Wednesday was my appointment with the tax accountant.  It is always fun to visit with this character while he crunches numbers.  I had most of what he needed, so it was a simple process until he announced that I owed another $1900 on the federal and $1600 on the state.  I almost fainted, then pulled myself together and mumbled that I had a couple of paychecks between now and April 15 so should be able to make it.  We started talking about something else and I was explaining about all the unpaid bills my husband left me with including $1500 on our Utah HOA and how I had had to hold off on that one in order to prepay the 2014 taxes ($3400) in January.  He got all hold the phone on me, leaned across the table and said, "Wait a minute.  Did you pay those?"  I reminded him that he had sent me a coupon and so I had paid it, he smiled and said that my husband had always ignored them and so he didn't even think to ask me.  After a happy little keyboard dance he announced the new totals.  I would receive, in his words, a whopping $29 refund for the federal and owed less than $400 on the state.

 

Breathing is fun.

 

He still has to calculate a new number for withholding for me (which might be scary) but I've put that on the Universe's list of things to do.  One step at a time.

 

March is the month I've been looking forward to since September, the month when most of the past-dues (mostly huge totals) would be paid and I could finally see what my income was going to be and get caught up on my summer savings.  I've been offered an auto loan by my credit union and plan to buy the car I've been lusting over for two years, then drive it at the end of the month to Utah - first visit in over five years - for spring break.

 

So I was particularly unhappy when I got a call from the bank to which I've been writing checks for an equity line - $12,000 - that my husband had spent out.

 

And had not told me about.

 

The very nice bank lady shared a bit of news he also had not shared with me.

 

The complete payoff is due April 30.

 

Yeah, I had a problem with that.  After a few hours and a good night's sleep I was OK.  Hopeful, maybe even optimistic.  The nice bank lady suggested I could re-apply for the line and implied that I may want to consider a refi on the house.  Which I had already been thinking of because I didn't like having that equity line hanging out there.  There's a solution.  It's just going to take time, and eat up my afternoons for a while, talking to banks and credit union to find the right solution.

So I took great cheer in my anticipation of a whale watch trip scheduled for today.

When my son got home, he let his friends know that he was ready to "Say YES to any adventure."  An attitude this boring middle school teacher former housewife is trying to embrace.  So when this opportunity came up, I gave myself an enthusiastic "YES!"  I have a friend who used to work in Washington State with Orcas and she had suggested we do a whale watch this season, so I forwarded the information to her and she grabbed the discounted trip.

Yesterday she did some prep homework and broke the bad news.  Storm moving in and her contact at NOAA said they expected 4-8 foot waves.

Cancelled.

I was really disappointed.

And my son noticed.  He had rehearsals in Santa Barbara today for a performance tonight, but took a moment from his day to text me.  "Do something happy for yourself today, Mom.  Be the water."

And so I took his great advice.  I was planning a Trader Joe's trip anyway - we needed milk, eggs and dog food - so I decided to go to the store in the next town over instead of ours.

Where there's a JoAnn's.

I took the back route through 12 miles of orange and lemon and avocado orchards.  Over Norwegian Grade with hillsides covered in yellow mustard and blue lupine.  Under a bright blue sky hung with white fluffy clouds.  Beautiful music blasting.

I found a great parking place in the crowded parking lot and treated myself to a leisurely stroll through the uncrowded store (they all must have been in the breakfast place.)  The spring Susan Winget fabric is in.  And now I have some.  And some of her beautiful boxes and some scrapbook embellishments.  The latest copy of Daphne's Diary from the UK, and a tiny gnome for a fairy garden pot I want to put together and a spool of delicious pink crochet thread so that I can make a little heart-shaped sachet I've been drooling over.  Everything on sale, on budget.

At Trader Joe's I managed to get everything I needed and added their Flourless Chocolate Cake (mostly chocolate and eggs, rather like a dry mousse) and some of their decadent chocolate, turbinado sugar and sea salt covered almonds.  And a handful of their traditional tribute to spring daffodil buds.

Four dozen of them.

Mostly restored, I came home and have spent a lazy day here and on facebook.  I'm getting ready to pull together all the Trader Joe's stuff into a pot of short ribs ala Lemonade (I LOVE that cookbook; turns this terrible cook into an icon) for tomorrow's dinner.  The storm that chased us off the whale boat is blowing in (glad we made that decision and MAY get to go next weekend after all) so I'm tucked in with my snoring dog (who also is back from Tennessee) for a quiet evening.

Next Saturday I meet friends at Disneyland Resort for the annual Visions Fantastic Scavenger Hunt.  A couple of weekends later I'll return to Disneyland with my mother for her birthday trip (83!).  I'll start making the rounds to solve my equity line issue and get my car loan and MAYBE have a new car for the Disneyland trip.  If my new glasses (ordered Thursday) are ready by Friday I might even be able to stay after dark.

Everything always works out.

All is well with me. After all.

Why do you wait...

... when there is so much to be gained?

Lovely.

My favorite quote ever.  It's been in my sidebar for years, but look at this treatment.

A friend recited it to my summer writing class from memory a few years ago.  Which was appropriate, as she got it from Farenheit 451.  I looked it up and found it credited to James Boswell, a Scots author (I'm part Scot) from 1777.  This artist gives credit to Samuel Johnson, so the search is on.  I've learned that Boswell was a fan and eventually a friend of Johnson and wrote several pieces in his honor including a biography.  I've ordered the first piece that may include this passage in hopes of finding the correct attribution.  Whichever man wrote it, it's an especially lovely quote.

I am so very lucky in my friendships.  Some have passed through, some have passed through and returned (always a thrill and delight).  For the most part my friends inspire me to live in joy and are a comfort when I am not quite there.

Which is less and less often.

Much going on here.  My younger son is returning from his adventure in Nashville.  His lessons are huge.  First, he will not again stoop to performance for the sake of performance.  He found the "music" he was required to duplicate unacceptable as music. Mostly, though, I think he learned that the magic he has always been able to make with music has more to do with the people he has played with than the music itself.

I am SO looking forward to attending his performances again in the near future.

He should be home Saturday.   I am excited to have him (and my puppy) back, at least for a while.  This man was raised in a home where tension overlay every day.  It's going to be a treat to get acquainted without that stress.

My Theme Song

Because I feel like this.

Just thinking this yesterday.

It's like the pieces of the puzzle of my life are scattered, covering the surface of a table. And like working a jigsaw puzzle, it took a long time to match the first pieces, but the further I progress, the faster it goes. Difference is, there's no picture to fall back on when I get stuck.

And no clue what the finished product will look like when it's done.

This touched me.

It's never too late.  And it's always worth it.

Hope. Well, and Love.

Have you seen this?

I am so lucky to work where I do.  My colleagues are fantastic.  One of the best of the best is a math teacher who is all kindness and enthusiasm.  Not a new teacher by a long shot, but the energy and idealism of a newbie and the polish of the veteran he is.

He's into Minions.  When his students found out, they started building him a collection.  A week or so ago I saw this on facebook and it made me laugh.

It was easy enough.  Printed it off, wrote "from Debi" on the bottom and tossed it in his box the next morning.  I expected a smile and a thanks - eventually.  I did not expect a thank-you email that choked me up, that said in part that he appreciated that with all I've been going through, I can still think of others beside myself and do nice things for them.

That is exactly what is getting me through all this.  The love of friends and family.  I was touched by the cards and the presence of long-time friends  and colleagues at my husband's memorial.  And appreciative of my son who didn't blink when I asked him to drive me to Santa Barbara and back because my ophthalmologist wanted me to see a surgeon for my eye problem. 

But once down from the surgery - and essentially helpless for almost two weeks - the support blew me away.  My niece didn't hesitate to cancel her plans for a two nights and the day in between to drive me to Santa Barbara, sit in the waiting room during the surgery, then to Costco for prescription drops.  The next day she drove back to the surgeon's Oxnard office for a check-up with a stop at a drug store on the way home.  She has her own health issues within her own active life, but she gifted me with her total attention.

And my mom!  Yeah, she's my mom.  But she also has her own health issues and drove herself out here to sit with me while I sat - head down - for two weeks.  She even figured out  how to work our TV system.  I haven't watched it in years but I guess abject boredom is a strong motivator 'cause she got that sucker on and to the channel that runs a show called Bones (her favorite).

Friends kept up the encouragement through facebook and text messages (which I could keep up with on the ipad on the floor and the cell phone on my lap.  When I returned to work I was met with a gorgeous bouquet of flowers on my desk accompanied by a big "Welcome Back" card signed by all the students.  As I stood at my desk and tried to not make too big a mess out of myself before the kids started in, one of the parents came in with the most delightful basket full of gift cards and treats and special "toys," all with Disney themed labels.  Like the pink beauty mask that you keep in the frig that had the label with Aurora saying "Don't forget your beauty sleep."  Or the sunglasses with the picture of Olaf that read, "In the summer you will be a happy teacher."

It was lovely and overwhelming.

I'm OK, and things are coming together.  It appears that I will have enough money.  I still have some physical issues to deal with:  two weeks before my husband's death I had to go to an orthopedist who diagnosed a torn meniscus (a year ago my dog greeted me with exuberance and hyperextended my knee, which I continued to try to dance on as well as make the two-mile round-trip walk to work and back.)  Oh, and he also says I will have to have a full knee replacement within the next two years.  And I woke up one morning with trigger thumb, which is more painful than the knee and first on my list of medical have-tos after the eye issues.

Which are getting better.  I'm scheduled back to the surgeon in late January.  He says I have the "potential" for 20/40 vision in the eye that was operated on with the possibility of refraction at the January visit.  Sometimes it seems like there has been no improvement in the eye for a while, then suddenly I will realize that I can read something I couldn't read before.  There is still a great deal of distortion - kind of like the wavy mirror in the fun house, which isn't all that much fun after all.  But overall, I am functional and optimistic.

"They" say it can take a year for full recovery from surgery for a detached retina.  The other "They" say it can take a year to settle an estate after someone dies.

2016 is going to be a spectacular year. And if I can push that forward into 2015, even better.

Straight No Chaser - featuring Kristen Bell - Text Me Merry Christmas (L...

"Fully charge your phone."

Adorable.

Love SNC.

All is well.

The sunsets have moved back to the studio.

The financial mess I inherited is straightening out (uncountable phone calls later) and I will be reasonably comfortable by Christmas.  My 2013 taxes are postmarked today and I'm confident I will be able to pre-pay the 2014 in January as my accountant wants me to do.  Making a list of repairs and maintenance that must be done on the house to save for - with optimism that I can actually get some of it done.

My retinal surgeon (who, I'm told, is one of if not the best in the state) was visibly excited by my progress at my post-op today.  My eyes are closer to matching each other, and with his special equipment he was able to conclude that it is quite possible I will end up with very decent vision in that eye.  For now it's blurry and distorted, but the other eye is trying to work with it and I can see a little better every day.  Was taken off most eye drops and restrictions on lifting and high altitude travel.  Disneyland for sure.  And maybe Utah.   So incredibly appreciative.

I treated myself to lunch at Lure today, and have the clam linguine and lobster spinach dip leftovers for dinner.  Since I've been eating peanut butter on English muffins most nights, this is enough to make my salivary glands downright giddy.

Have been enjoying Mraz's album, YES.  Every track has meaning for me.

Yes.  All is well with me.

God Only Knows - BBC Music

Serious spirit comfort.  I danced to the Beach Boys as a kid.  Wore my hair long and straight and my jams bright with flowers.  I know about the licensing controversy but am naïve enough to hope a damn big chunk is going to Brian Wilson.  This music still brings great joy to my silly teenage girl heart.

And it ends with a feather.