Elfman Genius

I don't know if I can post this or, if I can, how long the link will survive.

But if you haven't watched this, you must.  Simply the best concert ever.  Beautifully crafted showing of the work of a genius.

http://video.pbs.org/video/2365596258/

Sara Bareilles - She Used To Be Mine

And rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew

Alignment

This is what it looks like, and it feels great.

Good week.

The tortoises are hatching.  When I left for work Tuesday we had four babies.  When I got home, We had nine, and I found another in the pen.  Baby tortoises and milkweed still covered with caterpillars.  Nothing feels more like abundance to me.

My baby's 34th birthday was Tuesday, and he let me take him for Indian food (Curry Leaf, best anywhere) last night.  We talked tortoises and Star Wars.  My whole geek community, which includes my son and his friends, is quivering with excitement for the new movie.

 Found a feather on the way to my classroom.

Students very cooperative.  Got most of one class' assessments graded and they did great.  Mostly A's, and this was hard.  Proud of all of us.

Nice.

Last night I started eating Halloween chocolate bars, an old favorite.  They tasted awful, but I still ate them until I asked myself, "Does this feel like self-love?"  Because the answer was "No" I trashed the rest of the bag.   I've been reading - and getting ready to start the workbook for - Gay Hendricks' Learning to Love Yourself.  From a quick read I pulled this: Negative emotions break down to fear.  Fear happens when there's something I want or need that I'm not getting.  And it's important to feel the feelings, right down to their core.  So today as I found myself reaching for a cookie, I realized I wasn't looking forward to it.  Before I took the first bite, I asked myself, "What are you feeling?"

The answer surprised me.  What I was feeling was defiance.

My list of wants and needs I'm not getting is pretty long.  I'm not ready to try to pinpoint which number was triggering the feeling, just accepted that "Damn it, if I can't have that (whatever that is) at least I can have this cookie."  And realized it's pretty much the story of my adult life.  And not how I want the next decades to go.

The cookies went into the garbage disposal.

After work I headed out on errands.  Costco first.

Another feather on the way in.

I needed mixed nuts (my son's new staple food, since he's given up most animal products) and a set of plastic shelves.

I bought a set of these shelves last summer, and wanted another set (if they still had them) for my garden shed.  I've needed to pull everything out of that shed for probably four years.  Make a repair.  Purge and re-arrange.   Haven't been able to make myself do it, then recently realized that I didn't want to simply clean and re-create what it already is.  A set of shelves to help me go vertical with the various fertilizers, sprinkler fixtures and small tools is the inspiration I've been waiting for.  Fingers crossed, I headed into the store.

Nuts were easy; they're always on the way in.

I got the LAST set of summer shelves on the pallet.  At the end of the aisle on the way out I spied a favorite color in the clothing section.  The siren call.

A few years ago, I bought a sweater in a jewel blue that was almost-but-not-quite a purple.  I got lots of compliments when I wore that sweater, but made the mistake of washing it incorrectly and in the end it was too small for comfort.  THAT's the color I saw, and I almost danced in the store when I got to it.  Sweaters.  Lady's sweaters.  COWL NECK sweaters.

My favorite ever sweater was a cowl neck tunic - lumpy knit and way too big- that I've worn holes in.  The catalog I bought it from never carried it again or I would have stocked up.  I have the same catalog, with some lumpy knit tuttlenecks that I was going to settle for, but I don't have to settle, now.  $19.99.  I got the blue AND a black/gray.  Then headed to the registers, passing another display of cowl neck sweatshirts for $14.99.

Traffic was heavy on the 101 south, but, as usual, a football field-sized hole opened in the lane I needed to merge into as I needed to merge.

After Costco was Trader Joe's.  Last week I bought a couple of HoneyCrisp apples.  All during the candy/cookie drama I kept thinking how delicious, how downright luxurious that apple had been and today I hoped they had some more.  Which got me to thinking that, weather aside, it is fall and maybe my favorite d'Angou pears might be in.  Nah.  And then, there they were.  Organic. And around the corner, the apples.  Organic.

And it felt like self-love.

Final stop was my favorite Mexican place.  I've stopped there most Thursdays for about five years for a chili verde burrito, wet, all meat.  That thing helped me lose over 80 pounds.  I've eaten my way through two rough years (or maybe three) and have gained over 30 of them back.  But I know how to do this, and do it again I will.  With the help of my Thursday treat.  Parking can be tricky on Ventura Blvd in Old Town, but not on this day.  Just as I was about to the restaurant, someone pulled out of one of the three spaces in front of the place.

Home to a happy dog and a check-in on facebook.  My son and his family are back in their own place and ready to Skype me an introduction to my new grandson.  A new facebook friend in Santa Rosa is willing to trade brugmansia cuttings with me.  That a-hole who jacked the price of an important AIDS drug combo from $13.50 to $700 a pill met his karma when a San Diego pharm company developed another combo pill using the same ingredient drugs that they plan to sell for $99 per hundred.  And while I'm a Bernie fan, I was pleased to see how well Senator Clinton did in her trumped-up hearing today.

Going to be a good week, a good weekend, another good week and then a weekend taking my mom up the coast.  Quilt shops, butterflies and elephant seals.

It may be a little life and I'm needing and wanting some stuff, but overall my little internal sparkler is purring right along.

All is well with me.

Sometimes it's the same person.

Another fit.

Thank you always, Sara.

It's not simple to say
That most days I don't recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and it's patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be
Although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

She's imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine

It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you
And you're not what I asked for
If I'm honest I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over
And rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew

Who'll be reckless just enough
Who'll get hurt but
Who learns how to toughen up when she's bruised
And gets used by a man who can't love
And then she'll get stuck and be scared
Of the life that's inside her
Growing stronger each day
'Til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little
To bring back the fire in her eyes
That's been gone but it used to be mine

Used to be mine
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine

Why does every song she writes paint tears over my cheekbones?

My Disneyland Diamond Celebration Video

Making memories with my mom.

My Disneyland Diamond Celebration Video

Momentum.

When life just gets better and better.

I woke up at an appropriate Saturday morning time and took the dog out front to toilet.  And was greeted by this incredible sky.  I'm nuts for clouds of all kinds (and take lots of pictures) but this one really touched something.

Once Dodger was done (he was a good boy out there), I went back to the kitchen to find a happy surprise.

I've been collecting Monarch eggs this fall and am up to over thirty chrysalids. 

The first butterfly didn't make it, but my son released a "healthy, BEAUTIFUL" one on Thursday and I counted EIGHT that had emerged overnight.  I also noted one (one the cup visible on the table) looking very close.  I picked up one of the two clinging to the side of the table and took it out to release it.  This is always fun and rewarding.

 

When I got back to the kitchen to collect the second butterfly, I found that someone had been busy in the thirty seconds it took to release the first.

Yeah, this is how they look when they first emerge.  Amazing, isn't it?  There is fluid in that chubby body.  The butterfly will dance (twist itself from side to side) as it pumps that fluid into its wings.  It was ready to take the party outside in about an hour.

As I stood there, enjoying these lovely moments, a hummingbird flew close, then landed in a nearby shrub.  It stayed long enough to be to snap a quick picture.

 

Once I'd finished cleaning up from the Monarch Celebration (EIGHT released today), I decided to get the watering done.  My watering days are Tuesday and Sunday, but my Fairy Garden had not been watered on Tuesday so I pushed it a day.  Having worked my way to the end of the garden and to the deck, I decided to clean the spa, something I had planned to do over the summer.

 

It will take probably a couple of thousand dollars, minimum, to get the spa up and running safely again.  It partially filled with water, got an infestation of duckweed and a few pieces of trash and falling leaves over the winter.  By today, however, the water had evaporated, the duckweed was desiccated and I figured it was as good a time as any to clean it.  I've been fighting all that is left of the cover - two wedge-shaped pieces of Styrofoam - for a couple of years and am tired of the battle.  My plan was to clean the spa, lay one heavy-duty tarp, add the two Styrofoam pieces and then lay a second tarp over the whole thing.

 

The sun stayed behind the clouds so the heat was bearable as I worked.  It took less than half the time I thought it would.  JUST, as I cleaned up my tools, it started to sprinkle.  NO!!!  The whole point of this was to get it covered in hopes of keeping it dry (and pest-free).  I raced to the house for the tarp.   My son, who had taken the dog to the dog park for a while, arrived home just in time to help me with the awkward thing.  We got the job done together before any real rain could kick in.

 

And together wee got it layered just as I'd hoped and it looks fantastic.  I picked a camo pattern rather than the common bright blue, and the camo really does fade away behind the deck plants.

 

Delighted with myself, I tucked myself in for a facebook visit while I cooled down and re-hydrated.  I figured once I stopped sweating I would get a shower and then putter in the house for the rest of this day off.

 

I have the greatest facebook community and appreciate the time I have to visit with my friends all over the world.  Just moments after smiling to myself and saying, "Can life get any better than this?"  I scrolled down to find a short post from my son in Japan.

 

They had checked in at the hospital to give birth to their second son.

 

My second grandson.

 

I had to cry a little bit.

 

Clearly, the answer is YES!

Weirdo stuff.

Words of wisdom.

I saw this poster on pinterest today and wanted to share it here.  Too bad.  Can't save and paste from pinterest like I can from Facebook.  But I loved what it said:

You better learn to appreciate a Cancer or surely, someone else will.  Not many people will put up with your bullshit like they can.

So true.

Homeward.

I leave tomorrow for California.  As always, it's hard to leave.  I think it's harder to leave this time because it will be nearly a year before I can enjoy another extended visit.

A friend asked for an update.  She knows the last year has been difficult, and asked for some reassurance that I was getting some restorative relaxation.  I could have posted on facebook, but decided to put it here.   I know she visits, as do other friends and family, so I can update you all at the same time.

First, I made a mistake when I planned the trip.  I was so  anxious to get here that I decided to do it in one day.  Over 800 miles.  Because my eye is still not 100% I was determined to get to Eden before sundown.  I trucked it.  I stopped only for gas and potty breaks.  No quilt shops, honest!  And for most of the length of Utah on the 15 the speed limit is either 75 or 80 mph, and I took full advantage.  Still, the sun was setting as  I hit Provo Canyon and by the time I got to Coalville not only was it twilight, but I had driven into a nasty storm. 

Thunder, lightning and truly torrential rain all of a sudden.  Traffic got slower and slower.  I could see nothing except a wall of water and hail and two red tail lights ahead.  They found the Coalville exit and I followed them off, taking refuge in a Subway.  My knees were shaking as I thought, "The locals must get used to this."  But as I ordered a sandwich, I realized that a river was flowing from behind the counter to the front door and the counter help couldn't get an order right because they were bug-eyed, watching water pour out of the sky.

As quickly as it hit, it was over.  By the time my [inedible] sandwich was done, the rain was a gentle drizzle.  It still was not full dark so I decided to hightail it out.  I knew I still  had about 45 minutes to travel until I got "home," and just hoped the storm didn't cycle around as they do in SoCA.  The drizzle got heavy a couple of times, but nothing to strike terror like the downpour in Coalville.

One cool thing?  This entire part of the trip is on the other side of the Wasatch range that runs behind the Utah towns from Provo to Ogden.  So, the clouds were reflecting the city lights the whole way, shining silver up above.  It was dark, but not the pitch black I had dreaded.  The only slightly scary part of the rest of the trip was when I got to the top of the mountain near Snowbasin and drove into another cloud. Visibility stayed good, and fifteen minutes later I was letting myself into my home away from home.  I didn't even stop for groceries and didn't unload the car.  Just fell into bed.  The next day was lovely, sunny and DRY and I took care of business, including a trip to the market, then tucked in for a long day of listening to the quiet between naps.

By Sunday I was feeling human again and called my friend who I've known for 44 years.  Her son is the favorite developer in the Ogden Valley and we bought my condo from him in 2002.  As it turned out, she had a lunch date with a new friend and invited me to join them.  The new friend, I learned over a delicious lunch at Roosters on old 25th Street, is as into woowoo as I am.  We exchanged contact information and parted buddies.

Still weary from the trip up, I settled in at my condo for the afternoon and evening.  Getting toward evening another storm hit.  This one wasn't nearly as scary.  I was, after all, tucked in safely, not trying to negotiate a mountain road at 65 mph next to semi trucks in no visibility.

If I made any other mistake this trip, it was to do too much gallivanting around.  I had a couple of stores I love that I wanted to check in with.  I took as long as I wanted to wander a crafts/gift store called the Quilted Bear, where I found some darling silver charms for some sewing projects and some fantastic Halloween decorations.  This year (and I always get something there) I got some black branches covered with orange jack-o-lantern bells. They reminded me of the tree in Frontierland in Disneyland that is covered with Jacks at HalloweenTime.  I only got one branch but once I got them home and started to build the fantasy of how I would use them, I realized I wanted a couple more.  Later in the week I headed to the Costco across the street and took advantage of being on that side of town to stop by and pick up a couple more branches. 

I also made some pointless stops to try to stock the condo.  I hate my sheets, and wanted some flannel.  I mean, it's Utah, right?   Winter is coming.  Not only did BB&B not have cheap flannel (like Simi does), they didn't have ANY flannel.  I made out better at Target, which at least had the power strip and extension cord I wanted. 

As far as relaxing, I spent some time (not enough) adding some embroidery (not enough) to my long-term quilt project.   I worked a couple of crossword puzzles and did no reading.  I kept facebook up, played Maleficent free fall and ate so much chocolate that not only do I feel poisoned, I smell like cocoa.  Not exaggerating.

I also spent too much time looking for good memories of the times here with my husband.  I wish I could say that I made some connections, but I did not.  In fact, I spent six hours yesterday scrubbing the stove, which kept me in a rage most of the day.  In 13 years I have used the oven once - to bake cookies, not usually a messy food to make.  And yet I gave up a day of vacation to scrub burned-on schmutz off oven racks, oven sides and bottom and burners, as well as cleaning the microwave vents while cleaning that device.  Apparently every time he brought his friends for their two-week free snowboard vacations, they didn't bother to do more than load the dishwasher.  What a waste of emotion.  It's not like nursing a mad was going to get any help from them.

Enough.  There were some very special high points.

One was the evening I spent with Perseid, which I wrote about in a  previous post.  So peaceful out on the patio that night.  No AC running anywhere so completely silent.  And this valley has a night sky ordinance.  Compared to SoCA, the visible stars here are breathtaking. 

Another was the visit I made with my friend to see her gentleman friend.  I had met him over spring break, and I know they have a very special relationship.  My friend is 76 and I think her GF is in his late 80s. She has never had any intention of re-marrying (her husband died almost 20 years ago), but she and her GF have a relationship of mutual adoration as friends.  When, in his words, he was mobile, the two of them spent a lot of time doing things together.  He told the story of the day they took off for a drive on a whim and  chattered the time away.  Eventually, he told me, he looked down at his odometer and they had driven 287 miles.  "I didn't even let her have a bathroom break!"

He really isn't mobile now.  In fact, we were visiting him while he was having one of his three-times-a-week kidney dialysis sessions.  He doesn't like it - who would? - but what an attitude.  And what a storyteller.  He was telling me about how he and my friend started dating.  They got together for coffee one time, and he was too shy to ask her out again.  Convinced that she lived in the townhouse next to the pool, he took to hanging out at the pool in hopes of running into her.  He said that he would notice people moving around in front of the balcony doors and see wet bathing suits hanging over the railing, but never my friend.  He did this for FIVE YEARS before figuring out that she lived in the next townhouse up the street.

I decided to ask his advice about something very nice - but confusing - that happened for me just a week or so before I left to come here.  One morning Dodger the Doorbell Dog pitched a barking fit.  Figuring someone was at the door, I headed there.  Since there was nobody there, I thought maybe something had been delivered and found a box from an internet florist on the porch.  Since there were no special events at our house, I was sure they'd been delivered by mistake but, no, my name was on the box.  I got it into the kitchen and opened the box.  It was full of orchids!  And I about fell over when I read the card - they were from my next door neighbor, who I haven't had a conversation with in years and years.  Still convinced there was a mistake, I texted him at the number on the box.  He assured me they were for me, and I thanked him for such a lovely gesture.

And haven't heard a thing since.  I mean, do guys really send double orders of orchids (about $100 worth) and then not follow up?  I have no clue.  So I asked my friend's GF what he thought I should do.  He thought a minute, then said, "Oh, just play it cool."  And then belly laughed until he got tears in his eyes and said, "For five years!!!"  He had us all in stitches.  Here he was, hooked to a dialysis machine with his blood flowing through yards of tubing, and laughing at himself until we all had tears.

No wonder she's crazy about him.  Just the kind of special friendship I would love to have.

And now it's time to return to real life.

I came up here for the balloon festival, but it was a disappointment.  I missed the first flight.  In the past I've been able to sit on my balcony and watch the balloons fly by, but didn't see a one on the first morning.  My friend told me they had been there (she lives up the hill from me).  I felt stupid when I figured it out.  In the five years since I was last here, my friend's son had build a new wing of condos that now block my view of the balloon flight.

Not wanting to miss it again, yesterday morning I drove out to my lot.  I was able to sit at the end of the cul-de-sac to see the launch,

 

then move to sit by the lot and see them float by

After the balloons had left the sky, I set about a task I had promised myself this trip.  This lot of mine is on the market for the third time in five years.  I decided I wanted to gather a box of rocks (there are LOTS of rocks) to use in my garden in California.  I thought maybe I would feel better about the eventual sale if I had a little piece of it to keep.

The asking price is a loss for me, and there has - again - been no interest.  I think I figured out why.  Every vibration I had was screaming MINEMINEMINE!  I simply don't want to sell this beautiful half acre.  I love my teasels and my sunflowers.  I love my rocks.

Lots of rocks.

By the time I had filled my box, I was in tears.  I really don't want to sell this.  I love my lot in the valley I love.  I walked to the south boundary, checking for any more small rocks for my SIL.

And about fell over when I saw it.  In the lower left corner of the photo.   A heart-shaped rock.  It was "too big" for me to lift, but lift it I did, right into my car.

Seated just right in my garden, this will be a treasure.

And so today is my last day.  And the last day of the balloon festival.  I decided to return to the lot and watch the balloons, but there was only one.  I collected a second box of rocks (still not ready to sell) then headed for one of my favorite places in the Valley.

North Arm.

I'm not sure how far I walked.  Comparing it to my walk to work, I'd guess a half mile.  Maybe more.  It's hard to judge when you are not trying to measure in distance but in joy.

Parking lot view across the highway to the mountains.

My teasels are blooming here.

It's an Osprey habitat.  Pineview Reservoir in the background, then the Wasatch.

Yay.  There's drought here, too, so I wasn't sure my favorite little rivulet would be running.

 

 

From the bridge over the river.  Running slow but enough to make music.

Impossible to capture how beautiful the trail is.

Amazing what you miss on the way in and catch on the way out.  Gorgeous hops.  Going to have to give my son more garden space for his.  They are doing well, but clearly need room to spread.

 

So, I'm packed.  The car is almost packed.  Just have to do one load of laundry tomorrow morning (to remake the bed) and pack the leftover food.  Scrub the toilets and put the last of my stuff in the car.  Am doing the return trip a little smarter.  Only going as far as St. George tomorrow (and stopping at my favorite quilt shop) and finishing the trip Tuesday.  Have an early appointment Wednesday in Santa Barbara with my ophthalmologist to (fingers crossed) arrange my lens replacement.  Making two pair of pants for my son and his friend for Burning Man (his first), then working in my classroom Friday, seeing students the following Wednesday.

And another year begins.

Going to try again to leave a little movie.  I want to figure out how to leave it looping and use it as wallpaper.