I'm feeling a little sad this morning. Of course, I don't usually feel emotions for what they are (sad, angry, frustrated, ecstatic). I usually feel them as hunger and start eating. As part of my process of getting healthier, I'm trying to hold off from eating until I've explored my feelings a little, and this morning have concluded (without the assistance of a few handfulls of chocolate chips) that I'm feeling sad.

Probably part of what I'm interpreting as "sad" is really a let-down from a couple of completions. First, both DH and I have sent our questionnaires to the architect for our home design. Each step we take in this process gets us closer to our dream of relocating from Southern California to Utah. I'm absolutely, 100%, deep in my heart sure that this move is the right move for us. But it still makes me sad to move 800 miles away from my family, and each step we take in this process also brings us closer to the time when I won't be in my sons' pockets (yes, a strong argument for moving 800 miles away for their sakes), won't be here for every birthday bash, won't be here for my bi-monthly all-day scrapbooking sessions with my mom and sis.

Another let-down (most welcome) is that I had "volunteered" (actually I was put in a spot where I couldn't - in good conscience - refuse) to chair the organizing committee for my teacher's union in a potential fight over a salary increase. Our town has the highest cost of living in our county, but our teachers' salaries are the lowest in the county (10% lower than the next lowest district). We've been really good sports for years because we know that our district doesn't get a lot of the special monies neighboring districts get. But this year there is an increase in the allotment and we feel the teachers should be getting a fair share of the increase. Based on past history, we were not overly optimistic that this would happen so we started the process of organizing. The president of the union and the woman who volunteered to help me are gung-ho to start the process. So far it's been an exercise in frustration with people cancelling meetings on me, not receiving call-backs and so on. What was particularly frustrating for me was that my preference was to wait until after the first round of negotiations and see how things looked before rallying the troops. In fact, to do too much could be considered an unfair labor practice so I was doubly sure that we shouldn't do too much until we tested the wind. I really felt pulled in two directions. As it turns out, the first two days of negotiations went very well and it looks like this will not get too ugly after all. I will still have to move things forward for organizing because they will begin negotiating for next year in May, but the pressure is off.

But I think the biggest part of feeling sad is that DH is going to be gone on TWO (count 'em, TWO) trips that I would LOVE to be on and just can't go (sniff). First, he will spending a week in Utah. I love Utah (duh, that's why we're moving there) and could really use a break now. But, I can't be away from school for that long.

Then, just a couple of short weeks after he gets back from that trip, he and his brother are leaving for Washington, D.C., to march in the big peace march from the Vietnam Memorial to the Pentagon. They're giving themselves enough time to visit some of the museums on the mall. I love D.C. The only times I've been there have been with forty eighth-graders in tow, and I've always promised myself that I would get back someday without kids. Just as I've always promised myself London and Ireland. But now it seems that, once we move to Utah, whatever travel money I have will go to trips back to SoCA to see family and, if DS1 and his wife follow their dream to raise their family in Japan, to see them. There's a very good chance I will not see London or Ireland or even Washington, D.C. again. It will be my choice to see family over sightseeing, and we never know what the future holds. I may not be able to see family, either, or I may be well enough off financially to be able to do it all. Realistically, though, there is a good chance that I won't be able to do it all. So, missing this trip to D.C. makes me a little sad today.

Oh, well.