when loneliness crosses the line into hopelessness. Which moves into "What's the point?" and "Who am I kidding? Result, at this point anyway, is gaining back ten of the 82 pounds I had lost. Really struggling to go deep and figure this out so I can find solutions and move forward again.
Had a great trip to Disneyland Monday. Always like a transfusion of positive energy, and this trip was even better than most.
Then I came home.
Yesterday I got to go to a birthday party for one of my bestest friends. It was wonderful to watch her enjoy this happy time. The energy was pure love.
Before the party, though, I had read this:
Is there someone in your life who is constantly depressed, angry about the world, jealous, always in a bad mood, pessimistic, doubtful, power-hungry, mistrustful or manipulating? I refer to these individuals as "psychic vampires" because they unconsciously drain your life force with their unrelentingly negative attitudes. Most of them are not even aware that their energy extends beyond them and hurts others along their path. They can leave you exhausted, depressed and debilitated." - James Van Praagh
I had to laugh. Remember in Charlie Brown's Christmas special when Lucy is in her booth, reading off the phobias? And she hits the one about being afraid of everything, and Charlie Brown shouts, "That's it!" That's how I felt when I read this yesterday morning. That's it! My housemates fit that description, and walking through the door into this house feels like slamming into a wall. It's a wall of negative energy. I feel it in my gut, and I mistake it for hunger. Well, it is hunger. But food isn't going to fill this void.
So, I made a list. It's a little list for now, but I hope to keep building it. It's a list of things I know will suck me into a flow of positive energy and replenish my life force. (Yeah, I know. Sounds melodramatic to me, too, but since I seem to be living a soap opera, maybe that's appropriate.)
Music is at the top of the list. Time in my garden. Simple cross stitch projects (too hard, like the Firefly Faeries, aren't replenishing; too much like work).
Yesterday, after this ephiphany, I made sure to go plant some sweet pea plants I'd bought on Monday. My usual routine is to wait until I've finished my "chores" before gifting myself with time doing what I love. (So far I haven't found any Puritan ancestors, so where the hell did that trait come from?) I have to change that. I mean, often the plants I buy end up dried out and dead in the pots I brought them home in because that time I need never quite manifests itself magically into my week. I must TAKE time to do the things that replenish and keep my recovery moving in the right direction.
I won't go back.
Anyway, I got the sweet peas in. (They are so healthy. They look happy.) And some violas. And watered the Fairy Garden (Dear Neighbor, I am not a cat person. My Fairy Garden is not a litter box. Keep your damn cat out. Please. Thank you.)
This morning was another downer. Grading papers. After putting HOURS into re-designing this unit and TELLING THE STUDENTS when we started exactly what the test would look like and what they needed to know for a C (three causes, three effects; a total of about twenty words to memorize), the majority are not only failing, they are insulting me by trying to bullshit their way through it.
It will take me all day to get through this torture (feels like I've slit my life force veins doing this). So I am breaking it up with short visits to the Life Force Replenishment Bank. Here is what I found on a brief visit to the great outdoors, where there are beautiful clouds in the bright blue sky.
Dutchman's Pipe is covered with blooms. Still haven't seen a Pipevine Swallowtail, which is why I planted it. This isn't really their territory, although the maps include us. Who knows? Maybe the flowers will send a scent.
The little Japanese Maple I bought (cheap) last year. I didn't kill it. Should be a beauty in about fifteen years.
Oh, joy! My SIL ordered this hydrangea for me for Christmas and it was delivered to her, and from her to me, a couple of weeks ago. Covered with hope.
Yummy. Freesias are in bloom and they smell wonderful! Pretty next to my new violas.
And there is the end of this break. Time to go back into the trenches. Planning on spending some time (once my progress reports grades are done) working on my time management challenges at work to try to avoid these marathon grading sessions that eat up my weekends from time to time. I know the solution is to dig deeper for some end-of-the-day energy. Just tacking on another 40 minutes a day at my desk would really help, but I usually find myself just dragging myself home.
Since I still don't have a car and have to walk the mile.
In the snow.